A Wandering Mind

As you can see, I'm getting on in this pregnancy! Would you believe this photo was taken about a month ago? I hardly can, things are going so quickly, but also so slowly at the same time. I am 37 weeks now and I am SO ready for this baby to arrive. My feet are bigger than my belly (not really but they sure as heck feel like it), my face looks fatter every day, I can't walk to the toilet without plonking myself down on the bowl and puffing like i've just done a workout, it takes me a good few minutes to drink one glass of water because there just doesn't seem to be anywhere for it to go, I can't even bend down to put my plate in the dishwasher without straining something! Everything is a mission, even getting into bed seems like a bloody hassle, the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that in only a few, drawn out weeks (hopefully less), I will get to lay eyes on my beautiful little girl for the first time. I get to see what she looks like, I get to feed her, hold her in my arms and love her with everything in my heart. I am going to be a mother and I can't even describe to you how surreal, yet incredible that feels.

That's all I really have to say, I wanted to blog something, I have missed writing but have felt like I had nothing worth writing about - but then I remembered I started this blog for me, somewhere to write my thoughts, so what am I doing sitting here overthinking without comprehending it in words? I hope everyone had as lovely of a christmas as I did, and that your day was filled with joy and laughter :-) It's 2:41am and I think it's about time I put myself back to sleep, now that my wandering mind has been decelerated by putting it into words.

Thank you for reading this far, and I hope your day/evening brings you something unexpected and joyful :-)

Until next time (hopefully when a little miss arrives),

Mikayla Katherine xx

Taking Advantage of Spring

Spring is my favourite season, despite the fact that the pollen flying around causes the unwelcome guest we know as "hay fever", it's a really special season to me. It could have something to do with the fact that i'm a spring baby? Who knows! But spring carries something so wonderful, it brings us a promise of all things being made new. We see animals born, the first blossom blooms, the bees come out to pollenate the plants, all while the sun comes out from behind the gloomy clouds, more frequently than the dreary winter we endure before. Almost everything the season brings is a reminder - tomorrow is a new day. The plants that were covered in snow in the winter, now get to bloom and share their magnificent design with us... how amazing is that? It's the season of new beginnings, and every one of us needs a new beginning in some part of our life. Spring is a reminder that all things pass, and then new things come around and a new journey begins - the beautiful cycle of life.

So this year I wanted to take advantage of the season and do something that would benefit my family and I, while enjoying one of the beautiful aspects of my favourite season - growth. So what better thing to do than start a vegetable garden?

As you can see, it is most definitely a work in progress! It's been just over a month since I sorted out the soil and planted the little baby vege plants, and this is what we have so far. It was so exciting for me to see the plants grow to where they are now, so I thought it would be a fun idea to show you wee updates of how my little project is going! You can see from this photo that it's a little messy around in between my two little vege boxes, and that's the next thing I want to tackle, but it's a little hard to do as my back isn't liking all the bending over with the added weight I have on my front half at the moment, so i'm sticking to the small stuff for the time being. How about a tour - shall we?

The first thing I'll show you is my slightly overgrown green rhubarb plant. As i'm sure you can tell, I did not JUST plant this, it's been there for about a year now, mum actually planted it when she had the intention of starting a vege garden but didn't have the time. It's a lot smaller than it was about a month ago as we have used a LOT of it for desserts (rhubarb crumble and custard anyone?). It's incredibly rewarding having a dish that grew in your garden - you know exactly where it came from, and can be rest assured no nasty pesticides were used on them! This is my least favourite area of the garden to look at, so we'll move on from here...

So here's my first box of yummy's! From the left, I have kale, broccolini, a mixture of lettuce and then on the far right I have a row of coriander.
The kale is growing really well, I haven't used any yet but it's really taken off.
As for the broccolini, well I think it's doing okay... it's getting quite tall but there are no florets yet, I guess they might take a while.
The lettuce is growing (obviously), although not as fast as the others, and I am having a slight issue... slugs - they love the stuff! I've chucked some slug pellets on there so i'm hoping that keeps the buggers away.
The coriander is amazing, grows at a steady pace and there's plenty of it! Have used it a lot in the kitchen so far.

Moving on to the second box: the row at the back consists of some sugar snap peas, then from the left I have a tomato plant, strawberry plant (in the pot), spring onion and then spinach.
The sugar snap peas are growing super fast! They're wrapping themselves around the string and growing up them nicely - i'm getting excited, I love sugar snap peas! Especially nice with a wee dish of hummus, perfect healthy snack.
The tomato plant is looking pretty good, it has a few flowers and was a lot thicker than this, I just snipped off the bottom leaves so the nutrients aren't being wasted on them since they don't flower - that way the tomatoes soak up all the goodies.
The strawberry plant is doing well, but unfortunately I haven't had any strawberries! Nothing to do with the plant, in fact my dog is the culprit, she eats them as soon as they ripen! Incredibly frustrating, but I'm not too worried - at least she's not digging the garden to bits!
I'll be honest here, the spring onion is looking pretty pathetic - haha! It's not really doing much, growing pretty slowly. I'm not even sure you'll be able to see them in this image, there's a patch of them on the left of the spinach. Hopefully next update they're a bit happier!
And finally, the spinach! I love myself some spinach, but unfortunately so do slugs. This stuff is growing like crazy, i'm super stoked, but not so stoked about all the bite marks on them... I've chucked down some slug pellets so i'll keep you updated on that one!

So there you have it, my spring project. It really is a great way to keep myself grounded, and remind myself of the magnificent things that the season brings. If you're still stuck in the winter blues, I recommend getting out into nature and doing something similar - even if it's just growing a strawberry plant. It's not only a great form of meditation and reflection, but it's also incredibly rewarding, and gives you a sense of achievement.

So I'm curious to know, what are you doing to take advantage of spring? I'd love to know!

Thanks for reading this far, I hope you got something out of it!

Until next time,

Mikayla Katherine xx

A Moment in Time

The past few months really have been life changing for me, my outlook on life is completely different to what it was this time last year. This time last year I had very little self worth, no motivation, no drive, I thought that what other people thought of me defined who I was - and now sitting here, I know I couldn't have been more wrong.

This beautiful baby girl growing in me has opened my eyes to the world, to this absolutely, stunningly beautiful journey we are all on - each of our journeys different. At 19 people would expect me to be at uni, to know what career path I want to take, to be "experiencing life" by partying etc. At 19 people's expectations no longer have a hold on me. At 19 I am proud to say that what I wanna be when I grow up, is a MUM to this beautiful child I already have depending on me, and I intend to be as amazing at that job as I can be.

This baby has done so much more for me already, than she will ever know. She pulled me out of depression and motivated me. I now know my worth, and everyday I have more and more drive to be the person I want to be. At 19 people say this baby will ruin my life. At 19, I say this baby has already, MADE my life. As I said - everyone's journey is different, and this is mine. 

This time last year I had so much anger inside me, I hated myself and resented the people around me. Now I look around me and see amazing people, people I wouldn't be here without. Nothing brings me more joy than spending time with my family, especially the children in my family, looking at them and knowing they will be there for my little girl, and help her to be stronger than I ever could be. There really is something so amazing about children, their innocence, their confidence. They haven't been corrupted by the bad things in life yet, and their is so much beauty in that.

When I started writing this blogpost, my intention was to write about "family", but now I realise what I wanted to write about, was time. Time never stops, these children who are our babies, will soon enough be our age, making their own mistakes and (hopefully) learning from them. Everything changes, yet we move through our life's so fast, we forget to stop and appreciate every moment. When was the last time you stopped, and really took in the life around you? I know for me it wasn't until recently, that I started doing this, my belly is growing so fast i've barely had time to catch my breath. Time waits for no man, and isn't it funny how the older we get, the more we want to slow down? I remember in primary school I couldn't WAIT to go to high school, and then in high school I wanted nothing more than to get out of there, now I find myself wanting to meet my baby already, while at the same time wanting each day to be twice as long, so I have more moments to enjoy. And then somehow, primary school still feels like yesterday.

I don't really know WHY I wanted to write this, I guess I just wanted to encourage you to take a moment today - what are you grateful for in this moment? For me it's a family that supports me, regardless of the mistakes i've made. What about you?

Thank you for taking the time to read, I hope you got something out of it - if not, I hope it was at least enjoyable to read :-)

Until next time!

All my love,

Mikayla xx

Relaxing Amongst The Chaos

As i'm sure you know, life can get REAL busy sometimes, and whether it be physically or mentally, it just gets a bit much! I'm 25 weeks pregnant at the moment and boy has that time flown. From the moment I found out, to this moment right now typing on my keyboard, everything has just been FULL on! I know that's to be expected when you're preparing yourself for a baby human, but even so - it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I reached a point where I shut down, couldn't deal with any human interaction outside of my home because my mind was just SO busy and I was finding it difficult to deal with that on top of life around me. I was incredibly anxious, and then I was worried about baby and if she was okay inside such a stressed out body, making myself MORE anxious and just all around I was in a very bad head space.

After about a month of being "down in the dumps" with a busy mind, and trying not to leave the house, something clicked and I realised I had to get my act together for baby's sake, and find a way to deal with all the things running through my head! I heard of a book called "Calm", that a much loved YouTuber Tanya Burr talked about in one of her videos, and "calm" is exactly what I needed to be, so I went out and purchased this book. It talks about loads of things but the one I really liked the idea of was having a bath. Funnily enough this was a semi foreign concept to me as in our home we had a HUGE bath, and a limited water supply, meaning we couldn't actually fill it (lol), so I never really had the chance. Luckily, my mum had been wanting a new bath for a LONG time as it helps her back, and just my luck she decided right when I needed it to get one. It took a while to install but the moment it was plumbed up I was THERE. Literally as soon as it was plumbed up...

As you can see the bathroom was still unfinished, but I thought it was quite nice to be able to relax amongst all the clutter going on, it felt quite appropriate!

I used the St. Ives, Apricot Scrub, which I have been loving! It has really helped my hormonal skin stay half py normal! I still get spots but significantly less than I was getting before I started using it!
I also used my favourite scrub - Smoothie Star Breakfast Scrub all over my body and boy does that stuff smell amazing. I can't really describe it, it's very, very sweet... a sort of caramel sweetness. It also leaves your body feeling super soft and hydrated!

And then to make the bath that little bit more special, I added in the Xmas Kisses bath bomb by LUSH (excuse the manky nails), which has a cinnamon scent to it, quite lovely to go with all the sweet smelling products I used!

It was nice to just lay there and RELAX, not having to do anything, talk to anyone or listen to anyones arguments. Just me, the sound of the wind outside, the renovation equipment and the yummy smells filling my senses. I found it was a really great place to meditate and think about things without any anxiety. It really, truly helped me a lot and has now become a weekly routine for Sunday nights, the perfect way to wind down at the end of the week. I find myself to be calm a lot of the time now, and find it easier to carry out every day tasks because I set that time aside for MYSELF to relax, and just really enjoy the little things.

What's something you do to relax yourself when life gets a bit too much? I'd love to know, comment below!

Thanks for reading, and we will talk soon!

Lots of love,
Mikayla xx

On another note, the bathroom is close to finished now! Only the floor left to complete (as you can see). 

Getting Back Into Study

Hello there incredibly neglected blog and readers (to the very few that there are), and welcome back to my thoughts!

When I started this blog I had good intentions, write at least once a week to let out my feelings and feel more free, but unfortunately procrastination got the better of me. Coming out of that downward spiral I trapped myself in, I'm back on the bandwagon and ready to type, type, type!

So update: I have decided to get back into something I abandoned more times than most 18 year olds, study! Starting from the bottom as my 16 year old self thought it would be a great idea to not listen to the instructions the teacher had given me, making my next years harder, and easier to neglect. With a little one on the way fast, my eyes were opened to the fact that life isn't as easy as high school, I need to get qualifications, to get a job, to provide for my child.

At this stage I don't have a lot to say, but i'll be back online soon.

Thank you for reading about my little life, talk soon :-)

Lots of love,

Mikayla xx

If you would like to read about my pregnancy journey, feel free to jump on over to my baby blog :-) 

Is Everything MY Fault?

It's hard being a human, I know... But we can't all turn into chickens and cluck around, we're stuck this way! So it's important to identify your strengths and weaknesses and work with that. A very common thing we all end up doing at some point is blaming ourselves for something that may not be entirely, or even slightly our fault. When life tips upside down and everything's crashing all around you, it can be very easy to fall into the mindset of it being "your" fault, especially if something you were involved in has made the impact.

Let me share a story with you as subtly as I can.

At a young age my biological father left me, my brothers and my mum, leaving us broken and homeless. My whole life I wondered what I did wrong, and did everything I could to prove to him I was worthy of his love until only recently.
All of my schooling, from age 5 to 18 I was bullied, some years worse than others. Those 13 years I wondered what I had done, and what was so wrong with me that made people hate me so much.
Not so long ago, a man took advantage of my weakness and physically forced me to perform an act I did not consent, I still have not stopped wondering what I did to deserve it.
A few weeks ago a man I loved left me with a life growing inside of me, and told me he no longer loved me as I ruined his life by not having an abortion. It still keeps me up at night wondering why I am not worthy of the love that keeps a man by a women's side in this tough but beautiful time of mine, and what should've been HIS life.

These are my life's most difficult endeavours to date, and I can honestly say I still haven't fully dealt with them, but I can tell you one thing I have learnt for certain; if you don't know what you did wrong, and no one can tell you? 99.9% of the time, it IS NOT your fault. And you can only be free when you are free within yourself, and if you are fighting this battle inside, it's impossible.

As I said, I still struggle with some of these situations, but one thing in particular I have dealt with fully, and am incredibly proud of myself for it. The way I did that was by facing my fears, I moved over to Australia to live with the man that abandoned my family and I, and in the process learnt that he is an incredibly distorted, money hungry man, and I no longer have any sympathy for him or any feeling of self blame towards the situation. Sometimes it's as simple as a reality check, but it's not always that simple.

One thing that I find the most difficult is a sort of form of "all or nothing", if I let myself be strong and tell myself it is NOT my fault, but then a wall goes up and suddenly even the things that are my fault become impossible to admit. On the other hand, if I admit to things I feel like a terrible person and like I cause ample problems and end up feeling incredibly depressed and worthless... The trick is finding the balance.

Your life is a constant work in progress, and since YOU are the person who lives your life, it is immensely important that you work on yourself. Not just getting degrees, qualifications, earning money or the perfect look; but working on your mind,  and how it works.

To help yourself, you don't have to go as far as counselling if you don't feel it is necessary, but it is ALWAYS necessary to take time for YOU. You can do things like writing in a diary to reflect on the past, what you have learnt from and what you have not, meditate to clear your head so you don't stress yourself out making it harder to be there for number one (you), exercise to release endorphins, getting happy thoughts going, over taking negativity, or even something as simple as trusting someone with how you feel and talking to them about it :-)

As I said, i'm no expert; but I felt inclined to write this, incase someone does come across it and find help out of it, and peace in knowing they're not alone - But I mostly wrote this as I feel people aren't open enough about things like this, which makes it more difficult for us to ask for help as we are embarrassed.

I hope what I have said impacts someone, even in the tiniest way. We are all here to learn from each other. And please remember, it isn't your fault, it might not be anybodies, things simply happen - it's our job to make the best out of it.

For now, God bless :-)

All my love an sincerity,

Mikayla Katherine xx

Stuck In Limbo

Limbo, that uncomfortable feeling of being between where you are now, and where you'll be soon. An awful feeling, an unhappy feeling, a depressing feeling... and i'm stuck there. I know what yesterday looked like, and I know what today feels like, but I can't even comprehend tomorrow.

I've lost count of the amount of times i've been in this mind set, and though every time I overcome my feeling of uselessness, it doesn't make the next time easier. Every time seems to be a stronger sense of emptiness, and a more dramatic situation that got me there. It's dis heartening, to know that all of the times I have tried, and tried, and tried to make myself better, has all lead me back to the same hopeless feeling. Around and around in circles, but each time around, the circle gets bigger, spiralling out of control.

This time, nothing seems okay. Nothing makes me smile, nothing motivates me, nothing makes me care, nothing brings out that person I know I am inside, and some days I forget who that is, almost convinced she was never there. All of this, because I am stuck in a state of limbo, because life has put me in such a position that I can't find my way out. I feel like i'm in the labyrinth, frightened at every turn, losing hope with every step I take.

I am writing this for my own satisfaction. For years I have wanted to start a blog, to write, and to inspire. Two out of three is enough for now, I hope to turn this depression into inspiration sometime soon.

All my love and sincerity,

Mikayla Katherine