It's hard being a human, I know... But we can't all turn into chickens and cluck around, we're stuck this way! So it's important to identify your strengths and weaknesses and work with that. A very common thing we all end up doing at some point is blaming ourselves for something that may not be entirely, or even slightly our fault. When life tips upside down and everything's crashing all around you, it can be very easy to fall into the mindset of it being "your" fault, especially if something you were involved in has made the impact.
Let me share a story with you as subtly as I can.
At a young age my biological father left me, my brothers and my mum, leaving us broken and homeless. My whole life I wondered what I did wrong, and did everything I could to prove to him I was worthy of his love until only recently.
All of my schooling, from age 5 to 18 I was bullied, some years worse than others. Those 13 years I wondered what I had done, and what was so wrong with me that made people hate me so much.
Not so long ago, a man took advantage of my weakness and physically forced me to perform an act I did not consent, I still have not stopped wondering what I did to deserve it.
A few weeks ago a man I loved left me with a life growing inside of me, and told me he no longer loved me as I ruined his life by not having an abortion. It still keeps me up at night wondering why I am not worthy of the love that keeps a man by a women's side in this tough but beautiful time of mine, and what should've been HIS life.
These are my life's most difficult endeavours to date, and I can honestly say I still haven't fully dealt with them, but I can tell you one thing I have learnt for certain; if you don't know what you did wrong, and no one can tell you? 99.9% of the time, it IS NOT your fault. And you can only be free when you are free within yourself, and if you are fighting this battle inside, it's impossible.
As I said, I still struggle with some of these situations, but one thing in particular I have dealt with fully, and am incredibly proud of myself for it. The way I did that was by facing my fears, I moved over to Australia to live with the man that abandoned my family and I, and in the process learnt that he is an incredibly distorted, money hungry man, and I no longer have any sympathy for him or any feeling of self blame towards the situation. Sometimes it's as simple as a reality check, but it's not always that simple.
One thing that I find the most difficult is a sort of form of "all or nothing", if I let myself be strong and tell myself it is NOT my fault, but then a wall goes up and suddenly even the things that are my fault become impossible to admit. On the other hand, if I admit to things I feel like a terrible person and like I cause ample problems and end up feeling incredibly depressed and worthless... The trick is finding the balance.
Your life is a constant work in progress, and since YOU are the person who lives your life, it is immensely important that you work on yourself. Not just getting degrees, qualifications, earning money or the perfect look; but working on your mind, and how it works.
To help yourself, you don't have to go as far as counselling if you don't feel it is necessary, but it is ALWAYS necessary to take time for YOU. You can do things like writing in a diary to reflect on the past, what you have learnt from and what you have not, meditate to clear your head so you don't stress yourself out making it harder to be there for number one (you), exercise to release endorphins, getting happy thoughts going, over taking negativity, or even something as simple as trusting someone with how you feel and talking to them about it :-)
As I said, i'm no expert; but I felt inclined to write this, incase someone does come across it and find help out of it, and peace in knowing they're not alone - But I mostly wrote this as I feel people aren't open enough about things like this, which makes it more difficult for us to ask for help as we are embarrassed.
I hope what I have said impacts someone, even in the tiniest way. We are all here to learn from each other. And please remember, it isn't your fault, it might not be anybodies, things simply happen - it's our job to make the best out of it.
For now, God bless :-)
All my love an sincerity,
Mikayla Katherine xx
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